The Power of Emotional-Based Goals
"You should just drink less."
It's advice that many drinkers have received as they advance in their drinking careers. As alcohol starts to cause more and more issues in one's life, well-intentioned family and friends begin to suggest that one should work on "cutting down."
The advice seems sound and logical, and after some initial resistance, many drinkers eventually give it a try. They set different versions of the goal aimed at the same end - drink less.
If you're a drinker who has been wanting to change the way you drink, you may even have set a few of these goals yourself. They may sound like: "I will stop after 2 drinks," "I will only drink over the weekend," or "I will never drink again."
Behavior-Based Goals
I call these goals behavior-based goals - goals that aim to achieve certain behavioral outcomes. For example, staying abstinent is about not drinking, stopping after 2 drinks is about not drinking more than a certain amount, and only drinking over the weekend means not drinking on certain days. They're all about regulating what you do or don't do.
Behavior-based goals are specific and easy to measure, which are two factors considered important in goal setting. Moreover, they're intuitive. They address directly the issue that is causing concerns in a person's life.
No wonder, when I ask new clients about their goals, 9 out of 10 times their answer is behavior-based, such as moderation, abstinence, or anything in between.
The Issue of Behavior-Based Goals
However, there's one problem with behavior-based goals: they often feel like imposed rules. You know you should do it, but you don't always want to do it.
It's like a kid who is told that they have to clean their bedroom. You may get them to do it by telling them they'll lose their TV privileges if they don't. But they would do it reluctantly and slack whenever they got a chance.
Humans are emotionally driven creatures. We go to work each morning to feel secure, exercise regularly to feel strong, and plan vacations every year to feel relaxed. Behind each behavior, there's an emotional drive - a feeling state we wish to achieve. Yet, goals that focus on behavioral outcomes often lack emotional elements. A kid doesn't know why they would want to clean their room except "my mom said I can't watch TV if I don't." The behavior is enforced by external rules. Similarly, when a person is told, either by others or themselves, "drink less or you will… (some kind of negative consequence)," the choice to "drink less" is imposed by external force rather than driven by internal desires.
Shift from Behavioral to Emotional
On the other hand, once you help a kid discover their own internal desire for a clean space, they will clean the room because they want to rather than because they were told to. You may achieve this by tapping into the beam of joy they'd feel when others praise the tidiness of their sock drawer or the at-ease feeling of knowing that they'll never again lose their favorite toy soldier. That way, you have a much better chance of helping them make cleaning their room a lifelong habit.
The internal drive stems from a desirable emotional state. Similarly, when a person can tap into an emotionally driven motivation to drink less, the act of not drinking will come much more naturally and with ease.
Like many of my clients, I was once an excessive drinker. I, too, had set many behavior-based goals. Despite successfully achieving periods of abstinence with willpower, I often felt exhausted and deprived. I thought life was going to be a forever white-knuckling battle before I discovered the power of emotional-based goals.
Once I was able to tap into my emotional desire, a shift happened. I replaced the old goal of "staying abstinent" with the new goal of "feeling free and in control." The dreadful feeling of "I can't drink" was soon replaced by the anticipation of "I want to be free." The decision to turn down a drink in the evening no longer comes from the rulebook but directly from my heart.
Tap into the Power of Emotional-Based Goals
As a therapist and a sober curiosity guide, I help my clients shift from behavior-based goals to emotional-based goals. While a behavior-based goal focuses on what you need to do, an emotional-based goal emphasizes how you want to feel.
Many of my clients were skeptical at first when I asked them to forget about their goal of "drinking less" for a second - it almost felt like permission to slack. But here's the thing, when you finally get in touch with the internal state of being that you truly desire, behavioral change follows.
Real, long-lasting change starts from within. With an emotional-based goal, not drinking becomes a heartfelt choice rather than an imposed obligation. That’s what we do inside the Sober Curious Society.
In our upcoming Live Workshop + Support Group, ‘Tap Into Your Intrinsic Motivation - Emotional-Based Goal Unlocked' on Monday, June 17th, 2024, I will guide you to unlock your unique emotional-based goal so that you can switch from I should drink less tonight to I want to drink less tonight.
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